It's Just Life: family

America’s drops out rates are still rising and African American youth have still have the highest drop rates. Students reasons for dropping out of high school are they don’t have a sense of belonging, classes are not interesting, they are not motivated and simply don’t have incentive enough to try. Parents are not involved in helping these young people and keeping them motivated enough to keep trying. Parent involvement in keep and starts from the time our children are infants. There are ways parents can keep children in school.

A child does not decide to drop out of school overnight. Usually, it’s something he or she has been thinking about for a while. As a parent, you can take steps to prevent your child from dropping out. But it’s important to start early. Your child is never too young to be encouraged, listened to and loved.

For parents who have infants and toddlers be a good role model. Your baby learns by watching you. It is important to hold and hug your child often, as it is good for both of you. A healthy baby has a head start on learning. It is important that your child learns to eat a healthy diet even in infancy. You are helping your child develop life long habits. Most importantly, you need to be a model for reading. Make books available in the house. You can purchase plastic and hard cardboard books so your child can touch and manipulate. Lastly, read to our child everyday and let him see you reading, and he will mimic you.

If you have preschoolers, you can teach your child about the world around you go to the grocery store, part, museums, and library together. Don’t be in a hurry. Give your child time to learn and grow. Turn the television off and give your child a picture book, coloring book, and drawing paper. Let your child help with simple tasks like putting toys and clothes away. Talk to your preschooler, congratulate and applaud any small accomplishment. You are providing them with opportunities to feel successful.

Parent with children in kindergarten through third grade can be active in the child’s school. Make sure your child goes every day. Make going to school habitual. Get to know the teachers and talk to them about your child regularly. Continue reading to your child and ask her to read to you. Make sure your child has plenty of playtime with other children and learns to share. Always make time to listen, its one of the most important things you can do. And again applaud your child for the small things he does. You are still providing them with opportunities to know what success feels like.

When your child is in fourth to eighth grade you need to remain actively involved. Ask about your child’s day at school and ask about homework. Be ready with praise for a job well done. We build our children’s self esteem by applauding them for their accomplishments, no matter how small or large. Make sure that homework is done and correct. Meet your child’s friends and supervise them carefully as they interact with your child. Visit the school often and if you think there’s a problem at school, talk to the teachers and principal immediately.

If your child is in high school, you are not finished yet. High school students need as much monitoring and motivation as younger children. Make sure that school comes first with your child. Don’t allow him to miss school. Check his attendance and homework. Ask about classwork. Praise his for even the small successes. Listen when your high schooler talks about the school day. Help your teenager balance school, work, and social life. Ask about her dreams and her goals. Show your teenager the connection between school and reaching those goals. Teenagers need space, but make sure they know that you’re always there for them.

Remember, a child who loves learning will learn to love school. Help your child. Read, explain, and take every teachable moment. Take every moment as an opportunity to teach your child that a good education is a sure way to a better life. As a parent, it is our responsibility to make sure that our children do not become one of the million students who drop out of school every year in America. We have a responsibility and we cannot drop the ball until our children are successful.

We have a group of unmotivated young people in America who are between the ages of 18 - 25 and are victims of academic sinkholes & drop out factories. They have failed to launch into adulthood successfully. The schools their parents entrusted to educate them have literally taken from them all encouragement and motivation. These young people go from job to job, have no desire to go to school, or enroll in unrelated classes they don't have the skill to complete. They have little to no experience in success. These young people don't know what success feels like and are stuck in a rut with few opportunities available to them. Parents don't understand what happened, why this young adult can't succeed, and these parents are not sure what to do. Our children need prayer.

In the past, we pushed our children out of the house as soon as they graduated high school or turned 18. This is a grave mistake and it needs to stop. We have created a group of young adults who suffer the "failure to launch" syndrome. Another problem is that they didn’t have a clearly defined plan for next steps after graduation. Before they walked across that stage the school counselor should have made sure they set 5 and 10-year goals. Someone should have made sure they gradated with a complete resume that had been proofread by a parent or counselor. High school graduates who intend on going to college should graduate with not only 10 college applications completed but acceptance letters from at least 5 plus a completed financial application. The child who experienced successes before 18, left high school encouraged, and is helped with the process of next steps in life will be the one least likely to become a life long unmotivated adult. Yes, he or she may have difficult times and challenges, but will be highly likely to pick him or herself back up when they fall. So, how does a parent build self-esteem in an adult-child? How does a parent assist an adult-child with developing a clear plan for their future? I am a parent of 3 young adults. In addition to constant prayer, these are 3 steps that I find really helps to motivate our unmotivated young adults whom we love.

1 Don’t brow beat him or her. Reevaluate the message that you gave them as they were growing into adults. Really think about the message you gave them and how you contributed to this their present state of dysfunction. Take a long, hard, and honest look at your part in this big mess. How can you redirect past or current messages? As difficult as it may be, the one thing they don’t need is someone constantly telling them how useless you think they are. They don’t need to be harassed, they need gentle but firm coaxing. They need the courage to set themselves up in situations where they can experience small successes. The real fact it they have not been successful in the past and don’t believe they can be in the future. Find reasons to complement them on their potential. And for those times where you just couldn’t help but tell them how disappointing they are, you owe them 3 complements. Note that if you reprimand and complement in the same sentence or same conversation, that complement doesn’t count. It is just extra. They need someone to believe in them so they can learn to believe in themselves. They need encouragement, complements, and kind words more than they need you to give them anything else including money. Money cannot buy motivation. Above all, even if they no longer live under your roof, don’t give up on your adult-child.

2 Listen and listen emphatically. They don’t need you to talk at them nor give them directives, unless asked. They need you to listen. We direct the unmotivated young adult more by asking pertinent questions than giving directives. These questions should be generated from our listening. Listening to the unmotivated young adult who you raised is the most important thing you can do. Most of these young adults have something in their hearts that needs healing. They need to learn to let go. Most of them also have something important to say and they need to be heard. Listening attentively is difficult, though this is may be difficult for you, it is what your unmotivated adult needs.

Successful listening in this this way means not interrupting, keeping eye contact, nodding frequently, refraining from any comments, and keeping the body language neutral at worst and emphatic at best. Being emphatic is different from being sympathetic. Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone and may being supportive of his or her experiences. However empathy means to not feel sorry for them but to really understand what they have experienced and to see their view as well as understand their hurt but not necessarily feel sorry for them. When you listen emphatically you validate their feelings without enforcing it as an excuse for doing nothing and being non productive. When you are emphatic you are sensitive to their feelings and understanding without enforcing excuses for their behavior. You are being compassionate and understanding but not enabling.

Also, when he or she is talking it is not your opportunity to correct them or even give suggestions. At the same time we don’t want encourage whining. Right now this exercise is about listening. We’ll talk about what to do after the listening in another blog. When he or she is talking it is not an opportunity to be corrected, or even get suggestions, YET. If he or she asks for suggestions at this time, that is a different matter. If in doubt keep all remarks to the unmotivated young adult from your own experience. For example, “When something like that happened to me I…. “ or “This is what happened when I went through that same thing…..” If you did not have a similar experience then it’s probably best to say nothing and just listen. There is learning is quiet as the unmotivated young person reflects upon his or her own words and thoughts. As a rule of thumb, if you are unable to positively identify his or her story or you are not sure what to say, remember, say nothing at all.

Nothing carries less risk of causing more damage and thickening the walls between the two of you than a hurried remark made to fill an awkward silence. Don’t be afraid of the silence. Use the moment of silence to send up a quick prayer. Often out of the silence comes an “ah ha” moment for the both of you. You want to be mindful of body language as well. Watch your paraverbals including your tone, volume, and cadence. It is important to remain calm, especially if you are challenged with something he wants to get off his chest. You will want to remain calm so the wall between the two of you will dissipate if she asks difficult questions. Your body language should be encouraging and not make your young adult shut down once you’ve gotten them talking and sharing. This is your child, and you are not excusing their behavior, but you are providing them with a platform to get it out, get it behind them, get over it, and let it go. Whatever the underlining trouble the intent is to help them let it go. Remember that as you listen. If you have to speak, put her statements in your own words instead of asking her a question out of sync with the problem. The idea again is to get them to open up so they can begin to let go of the bad stuff and that they feel have occurred and move on, even if you feel their feelings are not validated. Remember that silence on your part allows him to clarify his thoughts and reflect upon the message to himself. Your goal is not to teach at this point, but rather, to listen in order for this unmotivated young adult can learn to drink from the cup of healing and be more productive.

3 At this point, you’ll have to bond with your adult-child by involving yourself in things that will help him or her. Enroll in a yoga class together. According to Yale University, yoga helps to put more gas into the brain. Yoga helps to develop and increase a person's intellectual capacity and sharpen memory and concentration. The exercise, according to preliminary studies, has helped improve concentration. There are specific types of yoga that focus on redirecting the brain. Certain yoga techniques are designed to change alters the way path brain waves. As memory moves into consciousness, it becomes malleable, which means it can be changed. Thoughts provide the fuel for this change. Investigate EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). This is a wonderful technique for removing the negative emotions that limit our success. Using this technique, you and your young adult can gain the emotional freedom to truly pursue. To learn more about brain management and EFT, contact Dr. Sunni at nulifesunni@yahoo.com. Above all, if you really believe in prayer put your adult child on the alter, as faith without works is dead.