Failure to Launch: Motivating the Unmotivated Young Adult/Child

We have a group of unmotivated young people in America who are between the ages of 18 - 25 and are victims of academic sinkholes & drop out factories.  They have failed to launch into adulthood successfully.  The schools their parents entrusted to educate them have literally taken from them all encouragement and motivation.  These young people go from job to job, have no desire to go to school, or enroll in unrelated classes they don't have the skill to complete. They have little to no experience in success.  These young people don't know what success feels like and are stuck in a rut with few opportunities available to them.   Parents don't understand what happened, why this young adult can't succeed, and these parents are not sure what to do.  Our children need prayer.

            In the past, we pushed our children out of the house as soon as they graduated high school or turned 18.  This is a grave mistake and it needs to stop.  We have created a group of young adults who suffer the "failure to launch" syndrome.  Another problem is that they didn’t have a clearly defined plan for next steps after graduation. Before they walked across that stage the school counselor should have made sure they set 5 and 10-year goals.  Someone should have made sure they gradated with a complete resume that had been proofread by a parent or counselor.  High school graduates who intend on going to college should graduate with not only 10 college applications completed but acceptance letters from at least 5 plus a completed financial application. The child who experienced successes before 18, left high school encouraged, and is helped with the process of next steps in life will be the one least likely to become a life long unmotivated adult.  Yes, he or she may have difficult times and challenges, but will be highly likely to pick him or herself back up when they fall.   So, how does a parent build self-esteem in an adult-child?  How does a parent assist an adult-child with developing a clear plan for their future?  I am a parent of 3 young adults.  In addition to constant prayer, these are 3 steps that I find really helps to motivate our unmotivated young adults whom we love.    

            1    Don’t brow beat him or her.  Reevaluate the message that you gave them as they were growing into adults.  Really think about the message you gave them and how you contributed to this their present state of dysfunction.   Take a long, hard, and honest look at your part in this big mess.  How can you redirect past or current messages?  As difficult as it may be, the one thing they don’t need is someone constantly telling them how useless you think they are.  They don’t need to be harassed, they need gentle but firm coaxing.  They need the courage to set themselves up in situations where they can experience small successes.  The real fact it they have not been successful in the past and don’t believe they can be in the future.  Find reasons to complement them on their potential.  And for those times where you just couldn’t help but tell them how disappointing they are, you owe them 3 complements.  Note that if you reprimand and complement in the same sentence or same conversation, that complement doesn’t count.  It is just extra.  They need someone to believe in them so they can learn to believe in themselves.   They need encouragement, complements, and kind words more than they need you to give them anything else including money.  Money cannot buy motivation.  Above all, even if they no longer live under your roof, don’t give up on your adult-child. 


            2     Listen and listen emphatically.   They don’t need you to talk at them nor give them directives, unless asked.    They need you to listen.  We direct the unmotivated young adult more by asking pertinent questions than giving directives.  These questions should be generated from our listening.  Listening to the unmotivated young adult who you raised is the most important thing you can do.  Most of these young adults have something in their hearts that needs healing.  They need to learn to let go.  Most of them also have something important to say and they need to be heard.  Listening attentively is difficult, though this is may be difficult for you, it is what your unmotivated adult needs. 

Successful listening in this this way means not interrupting, keeping eye contact, nodding frequently, refraining from any comments, and keeping the body language neutral at worst and emphatic at best.  Being emphatic is different from being sympathetic.  Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone and may being supportive of his or her experiences.  However empathy means to not feel sorry for them but to really understand what they have experienced and to see their view as well as understand their hurt but not necessarily feel sorry for them.  When you listen emphatically you validate their feelings without enforcing it as an excuse for doing nothing and being non productive.  When you are emphatic you are sensitive to their feelings and understanding without enforcing excuses for their behavior.  You are being compassionate and understanding but not enabling. 

Also, when he or she is talking it is not your opportunity to correct them or even give suggestions.   At the same time we don’t want encourage whining.  Right now this exercise is about listening.  We’ll talk about what to do after the listening in another blog.  When he or she is talking it is not an opportunity to be corrected, or even get suggestions, YET.  If he or she asks for suggestions at this time, that is a different matter.  If in doubt keep all remarks to the unmotivated young adult from your own experience.  For example, “When something like that happened to me I…. “ or “This is what happened when I went through that same thing…..”  If you did not have a similar experience then it’s probably best to say nothing and just listen.  There is learning is quiet as the unmotivated young person reflects upon his or her own words and thoughts.  As a rule of thumb, if you are  unable to positively identify his or her story or you are not sure what to say, remember, say nothing at all. 

Nothing carries less risk of causing more damage and thickening the walls between the two of you than a hurried remark made to fill an awkward silence.  Don’t be afraid of the silence.  Use the moment of silence to send up a quick prayer.   Often out of the silence comes an “ah ha” moment for the both of you.  You want to be mindful of body language as well.  Watch your paraverbals including your tone, volume, and cadence.  It is important to remain calm, especially if you are challenged with something he wants to get off his chest.  You will want to remain calm so the wall between the two of you will dissipate if she asks difficult questions.  Your body language should be encouraging and not make your young adult shut down once you’ve gotten them talking and sharing.  This is your child, and you are not excusing their behavior, but you are providing them with a platform to get it out, get it behind them, get over it, and let it go.  Whatever the underlining trouble the intent is to help them let it go.  Remember that as you listen.  If you have to speak, put her statements in your own words instead of asking her a question out of sync with the problem.  The idea again is to get them to open up so they can begin to let go of the bad stuff and that they feel have occurred and move on, even if you feel their feelings are not validated.  Remember that silence on your part allows him to clarify his thoughts and reflect upon the message to himself.  Your goal is not to teach at this point, but rather, to listen in order for this unmotivated young adult can learn to drink from the cup of healing and be more productive. 

3   At this point, you’ll have to bond with your adult-child by involving yourself in things that will help him or her.  Enroll in a yoga class together.    According to Yale University, yoga helps to put more gas into the brain.  Yoga helps to develop and increase a person's intellectual capacity and sharpen memory and concentration. The exercise, according to preliminary studies, has helped improve concentration.  There are specific types of yoga that focus on redirecting the brain.  Certain yoga techniques are designed to change alters the way path brain waves.  As memory moves into consciousness, it becomes malleable, which means it can be changed.  Thoughts provide the fuel for this change.  Investigate EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique).  This is a wonderful technique for removing the negative emotions that limit our success. Using this technique, you and your young adult can gain the emotional freedom to truly pursue.   To learn more about brain management and EFT, contact Dr. Sunni at nulifesunni@yahoo.com.  Above all, if you really believe in prayer put your adult child on the alter, as faith without works is dead. 

In conclusion, the bottom line is that the system has failed them and parents were too busy to notice or too self engrossed to give it time.  At this point in their lives, parents need to encourage these young people to do it themselves.  There are no more free programs for them anymore.  No one cares if they really succeed or not.  The social system is not designed to encourage them.  Instead the welfare system and social programs discourage them.  I realize parents want to wash their hands of these young adults because after all, they are grown.  And yes we don’t want to set them up to forever rely on us, but there is something parents can do now that they did not do before.  That one thing is to encourage them and to help them build their self -esteem.  Add this to your daily prayer and watch how they are transformed. 

Self - esteem and feelings of hopelessness is the problem for their failure to launch into adulthood successfully.  They lack self-motivation and self-discipline.  They don’t really know they can be successful.   The bad habits in which they are stuck have existed for some time and gone unnoticed or unaddressed for whatever reason.  This is one of the most important times in development in the life of a young person. If we, as parents, don't pay attention to making this a successful time for our unmotivated young adults then not only do we pay for it in the future but society pays as well.  We need to stop releasing ill prepared young adults into the world.  This wreaks havoc on taxpayers.  They lack hope.  Though they are no long children.  They are still humans and as fellow human beings it is our responsibility to do what we can to motivate them not matter their ages.  Remember to pray.