Monday, December 5, 2011

I'm Feeling Subdued

According to Merriam Webster’s dictionary a person who is subdued is unusually quiet and possibly unhappy.  It means suppressed, conquered, defeated, or overcome.  A subdued person is one who is not irritating anyone around her, one who is not strident or clamorous.  I am feeling subdued today.    I am unusually quiet but not necessarily unhappy. Today I am feeling sort of a left of subdued reflective thing going on.   I am felling like talking softly at a whisper.  I do feel like dancing but I feel like submitting to a slow passionate dance with a man I care about or an energetic dance of praise and worship.  I am a woman feeling submissive and not too loud and who feels like listening to soft and hushed music. 

My conversation is low-keyed today yet I don’t necessarily feel low.  My feelings are suppressed because there is no "he"  nearby, "he" couldn’t have come anyway so what’s the point in crying.   I'm feeling relieved because my last two will be gone in a few months and life will change for me.   I feel conquered a bit somedays, yes, but it’s only for a short time.  I sometimes feel defeated a little, but always temporary.   I am conquering my fears.  I focused on defeating the pain and hurt others have caused me.  I am overcoming fears and pain and have avoided becoming bitter and angry with life because it hasn't gone the way I wanted.   I feel overcome with melancholy yes, but I am not giving in this time.  I could give in and feel depressed instead of reflective but I am not giving up this time.  Today I feel overpowered by the fact that God is all powerful and knows everything about me and everybody else.  He knows the good I have done.  He knows my mistakes and why I made them.  So, yes, I am feeling subdued but not sad, I am focused on making today better than yesterday.  I am focused on making the good I can do outweigh any bad I have done.  I am subdued and focused. 

If I were a light bulb I’d be soft and restrained.  If I were music, I’d be a saxophone play the melodic chords of The Wedding Song by Kenny G.  If I were a love poem, I’d make my reader feel warm and fuzzy.  If I were a rock, I’d be smooth and yellow rock  waiting to be tossed into a purple stream .  If I were the cloud, I wouldn’t be partly sunny day. If I were lost again, I’d simply walk until I found my way. 

 If I were a smile, I’d be a big one.  I’d smile, because my children respect me.  I’d smile because "he" will love me when he shows up and he'll act like it this time.  I’d smile because the sun is shining through my window.  I'd smile because "HE" is present in my life, my thoughts, and my actions. 
If I were who I once were, I'd be strong enough, and confident enough, and trust God enough to  stand up for myself for a change and tell anyone who had a problem with me being me to take me or walk away.  I'd tell him who once tried to make me feel less than a good person that this is the way I look, this is the way I think, and this is the way I feel.  I am who I am, I think the way I think, I do what I do, I love the way I love.  I wouldn't care if I didn't fit into the idea of who I should be in the minds of those who still persecute me.  I'd do what I always did, make changes based on what I read God wants from me and I'd smile because I decide, again, to serve the true and living God for all that he is and all that he wants me to be.  . 

I’d smile because not only do I have food to eat but I can eat whatever I want.  I’d smile because I love shoes and I have plenty of them.  I’d smile because just because I am feeling subdued, it doesn’t mean that I am unhappy or depressed.  I'd smile because there is no one beating me down and making me feel like shit.  I’d smile because in all my life I’ve not been as happy as I am right now.  I was told I sound subdued, and I do.  I am not subdued out of sadness, instead  I basked in the glory of, “there is nothing wrong”.  So I am reflectively subdued because things could definitely be worse and I'm stronger than I used to be. 

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